Survival strategy.
Or something.
Partly it's painful because I still don't understand what happened there. Partly it's painful because I love that town; I love that valley. I would still rather live there. I still maintain that if we were to really settle in Utah, Logan would be my town of choice. (Really settle? What does that mean? I'm in as much darkness as you are there.) I had a hard time leaving Hawai'i too and get so nostalgic for the islands sometimes that it hurts. But leaving Logan was different. Even though we hated leaving Hawai'i it was our choice and we left on good terms. I suppose we could have stayed in Logan if it was our #1 priority but our leave-taking felt more like the boot.
Or a wreck.
Or I don't know what.
We drove up through Logan again this last week on our way to Bear Lake to spend time with my family. It was a little easier this time for me but it was the first time Martin had been back and even Bear Lake was full of haunting reminders. Beautiful Logan canyon. A stone's throw from Martin's old study site. Memories of the Bear Lake excursion last year when Martin was at home working on the thesis. Familiar landscapes.... Martin was able to meet up with his best friend from the program, that was good. We learned some things we didn't know that would have impacted us had we stayed. That comforts me a little. Sarah says we shouldn't expect to understand it yet, maybe not ever--it's like coming out of a war. I'm not comfortable comparing our experience to the horrors of war.
But I am still sort of grateful she would.
What are we doing here? Sometimes I can see the possibility that maybe we will look back on that abrupt path disruption as a good thing. Sometimes I already think it is a good thing. Sometimes I see possibilities in the future that wouldn't have happened otherwise.
Mostly I see through a glass darkly.
And, by the way, Bear Lake was still fun.
5 comments:
I heard an old Cocteau Twins song recently, and it was pointed out to me that part of the lyric was "You cannot heal what you cannot feel." Maybe that sounds a little trite (although it really didn't coming through the angelic voice of Elizabeth Fraser), but I think it's true. You may not have understanding yet, but you're letting yourself feel something, so maybe those hurts will begin to heal. It takes so much durn patience to get through the mysteries. I love you.
~Your sister in the unexplained
I wish I had something profound to say, but I don't.
I just think you are being honest and I so appreciate that. I think everything you are feeling is completely understandable. Sometimes the hardest questions for me are the ones that aren't answered when I really want some resolution -- when I want to feel sorted out and can't quite get there.
I think Logan is lovely, and I would miss it too. :)
And I had oh so much fun with everyone in Bear Lake.
remember that rilke quote:
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer.
There's actually a different translation that i like a bit better, but this will suffice. i love the idea of living the questions.
I totally understand your pain! I feel the same way of our move from Boise... although many great things have come from moving on, I think if I could turn back the clock I would change our decision...or would I? I think we just have to realize that life is a much bigger picture than we can see and someday when we can see it all clearly it will make sense...I hope.
p.s. I super _love_ your profile pic.
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