The Audacity to Ask

I have this sort of embarrassing ability to expect the world and ask for it. Maybe it's related to my general expectation to be the exception to the rule? Maybe not, I don't know.

When we moved to Hawaii, I did a little homework and discovered a bed and breakfast right near the university that would be perfect for us to manage. Never mind that we've never done anything like that before. Never mind that we had two small children that would be underfoot. Never mind that someone already had this job. I was confident it was worth inquiring about. We drafted a letter. We drove by. Several times. I begged Martin to get out of the car and hand-deliver our Letter. I remember him telling me that he really didn't want to but if I was adamant he would do it, but only because he loves me. I still have this letter on our PC somewhere and every once in a while it surfaces and I wince. In some ironic reversal, I hate to think of this letter now and Martin loves it. He sees family history; I see painful ignorance.

I just wrote another letter of similar scope and pluck. I recently discovered this and while browsing the book at Borders, convinced myself that we would be the perfect candidates for a prototype. I gave Fritz Haeg a quick briefing on the points that would recommend us. So presumptuous right? Yes I know. That's the crazy paradox. I know it is ludicrous and brazen and yet, I can't help but try.

I would never make a good gambler; I have too much capacity to imagine the long shot. And yes, I think I have sent in a Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes entry or two as well, though I gave that up by the time I reached adulthood at least.

While still at Borders Martin asked me if I'd talked to Anne C. lately. Why? I asked. Because I sense her influence in expecting the universe to deliver. It's a good philosophy really. I believe the universe does deliver. Sometimes I might ask the wrong questions or my timing is off or my overall vision needs tweaking.

But I probably won't stop asking, rueful chagrin and all.

The universe also delivers all kind of things I haven't asked for: tonight's treat, for example. We went to listen to Wendell Berry give a reading for a Wallace Stegner symposium this weekend. I've danced around Wendell Berry for several years but have yet to read a single word he's written. I've just heard enough to know I like him even though I don't know him through his writing yet. He was frankly adorable. Not just in ideas and values but also in his complete lack of self-importance and knowing the limits of his knowledge. Of course the experience just further fueled the desire for a potager.

I'll thankfully take what comes and do with it what I can.

Happily, I know how to work as well as dream. Maybe some dreams have to be laid to rest before the work can properly begin. Maybe not, I don't know.