On Being a Stay at Home Mom

Yesterday I spoke on a panel at the Sunstone symposium about being a stay at home mom. Since I'm already "on the record", I am posting the comments I prepared here. I'm glad that a conference dedicated to "celebrating Mormon women's contributions to chuch and culture" included representation from the stay-at-home contingent. I enjoyed meeting some neat ladies and hearing them speak.


It is hard to talk about being a stay at home mom without also talking about working. I’ve realized that when I think about the choice I continually make to be a stay at home mom, I generally make one of two assumptions about working: I either see working as the promised land, i.e., time to work on the things that I love, or some sort of prison sentence that ties me to someone else’s schedule, agenda and priorities. My perspective on being a stay at home mom has evolved over the years

When my first child was born, nothing could entice me to leave her to go to work. I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her in someone else’s care and I had a strong sense of responsibility—that raising her was the responsibility of me and my spouse and not to be shifted to someone else.

After my second child was born I went through a period of depression and resentment. I still fiercely loved my children but in my unhappiness, I sometimes envied my husband for getting to pursue what he wants. I reminded myself that I had other options, that I chose to stay home, but in some ways didn’t really feel like it was an option to go to work. Though I was afraid that if I went to work I would be putting my children in a less than optimal situation, I didn’t have any qualms about going to school. I saw education as purely positive, a way for self-development and preparation. I questioned my motivations for going back to school: did I not feel like I was enough without an advanced degree? I eventually had an epiphany when I realized that at a certain point a job becomes the vehicle to continue to progress with education. Once you reach the end of the degree path, the way to continue progressing was in practice. This reveals my operating assumptions at the time: 1) that schooling/work is okay if it is for personal development but not as a career or wage-earner and 2) I equated school or work with getting to do what I love in the true "middle class tradition" and 3) seeing schooling as the key to my liberation.

I eventually did go back to school and to avoid taking on more student debt, my husband and I juggled schedules for our degree programs and part-time work. I worked part-time for the next 5 years. The semester I started back to school was the happiest I had been as a stay at home mom. Though working part-time was a good balance for me, it also helped to shift my views about working. Most of the time working didn’t mean getting to do the things that I love. A lot of people who work full-time also wish for time to do the things that they love or feel the need for some other creative outlet. I began to see staying home as a luxury not to have to do spend my time and energy on someone else’s priorities. When my last child was born I quit working to be home full-time. As much as I liked to think of myself as irreplaceable in my job, I knew that the work could get done without me. Ultimately, where I am not replaceable is at home with my children.

In reality, work—whether in the workforce or in the home--is not so binary between the extremes of getting to do what you love or a prison sentence. It’s not either/or but both/and. It is getting to pursue what I want with a healthy dose of frustration in being held to someone else’s schedule and needs, whether of a boss or my own children.

Though I am happier to be home now that I ever have been, there are struggles. Some of the struggles for me personally have been adjusting to intangible results, crisis in identity, and sacrifice of some ambition. When you work at a job you have tangible results to point to, even if it is just years of work experience on your resume. Your efforts stack up in achievements. As a stay at home mom it is difficult to recognize or pinpoint your achievements and you certainly won’t get recognition from anyone else. Also, what can you really claim as your work? Do you take credit for your children’s accomplishments or contributions? What measurements can you apply to assess how you’re doing? A wise lady once told me when I was a very new mother that you can’t look to your children for reassurance/validation because they are more likely to criticize you than anything else. This is true in my experience both as a girl in my parents’ house and now as a mother to my own children--the angle and force of the criticism may change from whining complaints to acute barbs but appreciation is not always forthcoming.

It was a difficult transition to go from being a full-time student and working to being a stay at home mom. I landed in an identity crisis. The markers I had come to define myself through (the things I studied, the grades I got) were no longer there. As a society, personal identity is strongly tied to career. We introduce ourselves by saying our vocation. “I am an engineer or I do graphic design”, etc. The author Jane Clayson Johnson in her book “I am a Mother” advocates that we own our roles as mothers and say proudly, “I am a Mother.” While I appreciate Johnson's motivation in her message, it seems like a bit of a double standard to me: fathers don’t identify themselves primarily as fathers, they will talk about their professions. This tie between personal identity and vocation may be tied to cultural or class assumptions but it is not always easy to break.

I recently went to a high school reunion and was a little wistful as I confronted what some of my classmates have accomplished in the time that has passed since graduation. I almost wished I had been a boy so that my ambitions could have uncomplicated priority. Though what I can achieve in a chosen career is not necessarily dependent on how much time I dedicate to it, it is strongly correlated. There is variety in capacity and maybe some people can still achieve a lot even though time allotment is small. Or maybe someone can be inspired to make some major contribution even though they come late to the game—say after their children have been raised. Whether or not I can still have a successful career, choosing to stay home means sacrificing some other agendas.

Another assumption that is sometimes made is that it has to be all or nothing during the child-rearing years: either you stay at home or you work. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. The balance of needs shift, things change. We constantly readjust hoping to strike the right balance. I anticipate I will work again. Right now, I try to set aside time for my “work” and put emphasis on developing my interests with the aim to escalate that development as I can. Whatever the balance is now, it won’t stay this way forever.

As far as stereotypes go, I have been called a “soccer mom” and I now drive a minivan. Though the labels are uncomfortable, I like going to my son’s soccer games and the minivan is a comfortable car for our family. These kinds of stereotypes don’t bother me because I like what I’m doing. More painful comments have implied that I am not contributing to society if I choose to stay home with my kids. When my first daughter was born, a former employer called and asked me if I would work for her full-time. When I turned her down she told me that I’m so bright I need to contribute. While she was complimenting me, the implication is that motherhood isn’t a contribution. I reject that motherhood isn’t a contribution to society; this may be another assumption to examine. I think women should be valued in their work wherever they choose to spend their energies.

I’ve become happier being a stay at home mom as my assumptions have shifted. I no longer assume that I have to stay home. I no longer assume that going to work is getting to do what you want. I’ve learned that I am more than my interests or grades or accomplishments. I’ve come to believe that I can accomplish more with my family (including my children) at my back than I would on my own. I’ve learned that sacrifice can be an investment and that investment is already paying off.